DRUNK BIKER
A drunk biker is riding through the city and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish
cop bulls him over. The cop says to the biker, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub,"
slurs the biker. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quit a few." "I
did all right," the biker says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell off the bike?" "Oh thank heavens" sighs the biker.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
THE OUTHOUSE
A lone
biker riding through the back roads of Montana pulls into a rest area and notices the facilities consist of a small outhouse
and notices a Suzuki parked close by. The biker opens up the outhouse door and finds the Suzuki rider standing there,
throwing money down the hole. This guy is throwing 5's, 10's and 20's down the hole. When the biker
sees him pull out a fifty, he yells at the guy to stop. The biker says, "Man, why are ya throwin' yer money
down there?" The Suzuki rider says, "Oh man, when I stood up and pulled my pants up, a quarter fell out of
my pants and went down the hole." The biker then asks, "So, you lost a quarter. Why are ya thrown'
the rest of yer money down there?" The Suzuki rider answers, "B'cuz man, I'm not goin down there for
just a quarter!"
 THE IDEAL WIFE
• Honey,
are you sure you have enough beer for tonight?
• I love you working on the bike on Saturdays, we should do
it together on Sundays?
• Honey, I have decided to walk naked at home.
• You are so sexy when
you are hungry!
• Sweetheart, what kind of brakes do you want me to buy for the bike?
• Do you
mind if we watch the game together tonight and finish a dozen of beers?
• I am going to wash the bike!
• No,
No, No. I am changing the motor oil this time.
• Forget about St Valentine we can go for a bike show instead.
• Your mother is so much better than me.
• That's enough! I don't wanna go for shopping
anymore. We better stay home, rent some hot movies and ....I can invite my girlfriend to join us.
• Listen,
a new striptease bar just opened across the street. Why don't we go and take a look?
• Honey, I just enrolled
myself in yoga classes to learn how to put my legs behind my neck. Only for you sweetheart.
WHY MOTORCYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
• Your
motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle
after you ride it.
• You can choke your motorcycle.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad
when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under
your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at
3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You
don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles,
you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good,
you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If
your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle
is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If
your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something
about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel
like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't
care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if
you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something
is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every
2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and
if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both
arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle
as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You
can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't
know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You
don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles
are equals.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You
don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for
your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your
Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes
riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin
shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Disassembling
the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike
women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.
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SPEEDING
A middle
aged man was speeding down the road at 80 mph when he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a Texas Highway Patrol car coming
with its lights flashing and siren blaring. Thinking he could outrun the trooper, the man speeded up to 100 mph. suddenly,
he realized his foolishness and pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. The trooper pulled up, walked up to
the car and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and it's Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Last week
my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Have
a nice day."
 SURGERY
A mechanic
was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across
the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where
the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So
Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in, and when
I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big
bucks ($1,695,773) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned
over, then whispered to the mechanic......................... "Try doing it with the engine running."
MOTORCYCLE WISDOM OF THE ROAD
• Midnight
bugs taste best.
• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
• The
only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't
ride.
• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
• Young riders pick a destination and go.
. . Old riders pick a direction and go.
• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
• Winter is Nature's way
of telling you to polish your bike.
• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
• The best
alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup
to the middle of nowhere.
• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
• Practice
wrenching on your own bike.
• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
• Maintenance is as much
art as it is science.
• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
• Gray-haired
riders don't get that way from pure luck
• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old,
drunk riders.
• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.
• Only a Biker
knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
THIRSTY
WORK
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone
come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around
the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally
found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then
off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out
onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded.
"This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight
I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
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